Be Vulnerable

I feel we are constantly told to act strong, be this, and do that. So many people I know put on a front, a show, look at how "not bothered" I am. The sentence "I don't care" has become the defending retort of the masses - well I do care! 

Does that mean I'm weak? 

No

It means I am stronger because I'm not afraid...

I think vulnerability has been lost in this fast moving world, people don't allow themselves to feel things anymore. They brush off their emotions and plough on a head, constantly chasing the future. Numbing themselves to what is happening right now. Ignoring what makes them, them. Squandering their soul. 

It is fear; fear of being vulnerable and letting the world see you. The real you, no gimmicks, no persona, it's a cage. Trapped.

Who wants to feel naked? Screaming from the top of your lungs, like the day you entered this world?

I do

There is nothing more powerful and beautiful than allowing yourself to be truly affected by something or someone. You cannot truly experience life if you are untouchable.

I want you to end the show, step off the stage, and walk out the theatre doors. It is a world where you can be free. 

You will get hurt yes, you will feel lost and helpless at points, but you will truly be yourself and that is worth every ounce of pain felt. I promise you that.

Embrace it

Be Vulnerable...

( from a floating feather on a morning run 9th February 2015 )

Bon Voyage

So it begins, right now I am sat in Reykjavik airport, waiting for my connection to the US. Nervousness is my overwhelming emotion right now. It varies from excited nerves to a fully fledged panic :-/ I had a little moment last night while packing, I think it just hit me hard that this is real, it's happening and REALLY soon! Tom found me fetal on the spare bed looking at my kit list ( which I hadn't packed ) 

In the airport 

Ok so I am rubbish, I stopped writing after that first paragraph, got a bit panicky! To be honest I've been pretty much cut off from everything this last week ( apart from posting on Instagram of course ) so sorry if anyone have been trying to get hold of me. 

But I'm back in the land of the living. Calm and collected. It was the stupidest thing that brought me around. Yesterday I went and bought all my thermals - the "sheniz" of thermals - just getting that sorted has seriously helped ( plus I know I will be warm now ) so now the excitement begins!!

"wool with sex appeal"

I just thought some people reading this won't have the foggiest clue what I am talking about. Basically in 6 days I will be sailing from New York to London.

Racing. 

The Atlantic. 

You know like you do ;)

No but seriously for those of you who know me, you'll probably realise that this is a huge challenge. I'm not sporty in the slightest, in fact I recently went to a friends wedding, and pulled out some pretty special moves on the dance floor; I COULDN'T WALK FOR 3 DAYS! ( how am I going to sail for 35?!? )

Why ?!? 

So I'm talking part in the clipper round the world race, but what's so great is that I'm doing it in aid of the Ellen MacArther Cancer Trust. The trust is a organization that give current and recorvery cancer patients aged 8-24 the chance to experience sailing. Sounds very simple but the results are amazing. 

I don't think I realised how much my confidence had been knocked until I came back from my first trip. I had a huge boost and it changed my outlook on life. I have a close friend who actually got the confidence to stop using her walking stick which at 23 isn't the best fashion item. You can see more about my experience with the trust on my just giving page - www.justgiving.com/luciecarrington

Race start last September - Ellen MacArthur

What am I going to be doing over the next 35 days...

Surviving?!? ..." It's fine " has been my answer to every question about the trip! I will be sailing 3750 miles home. I will be in a watch system, so 6 hours on 6 off in the day then 4 on 4 off at night. I'll be tacking, grinding, navigating, trimming, cleaning, cooking, probably not helming ( I'm not very good apparently as I get too distracted and the boat goes in the wrong direction ) but basically I will be a fully fledge member of the crew. 

Not very good at helming

It just so happens that this is 10 years since I was going through my treatment!

My very clever mum ( cheers dude ) wrote a diary in 2004, about my treatment, and there is an entry exactly 10 years ago today 

1st July 2004

I was in the Royal Orthopaedic Hospital in Birmingham, I'd only gone down for a pre op assessment but I was so ill by the time I arrived that they had to admit me and I was given an emergency blood transfusion. Its funny because reading it now, I remember that day clearly. I wasn't bothered about being ill I was just so angry they wouldn't let me go home.

Seems like a different life! 

I'm taking a copy of my mums diary with me! Could be quite interesting comparing my days :-/ 

I am so proud I have the opportunity to represent all the current and past patients for the trust , and I am hoping to raise £10,000 for them to carry on the amazing work! 

Thank you for taking the time to read all this, i'm going to be tweeting my progress across so if you want to follow my progress - @luciecarrington ( pretty simple ) I'm hoping my twitter will link up to my Facebook anyway so most of you won't have a choice :) 

                                                                                              

words of wisdom 

life through a lens...

I am in a total work funk today ( no editing getting done at all ), so decided to write this as Ive been meaning to for a long time. 

Ok its been a while I am sorry, life is just flying by at the moment :) which actually makes this post very relevant.

 

I was very lucky to recently work down at the Royal Albert Hall for the Teenage Cancer Trusts annual gigs, during the week I also got to got to some of the concerts  ( pretty sweet job really ;)

Now there is a reason Im telling you this ( not just gloating honest ), during the gigs I noticed a good number of the audience were filming the set, and not actually 'being there', they weren't actually enjoying the artist and performances, they were watching it through a lens. Ok Im not explaining myself very well, but what I am trying to say is I find that my generation especially, with their smart phones and digital cameras aren't enjoy life's moments; right then right there. They are so worried about making a record of that moment that its essence is missed and the moment has passed them by...

I am quite aware this could sound very hypocritical, because out of most people I usually have a camera in my hand and actually encouraged people to make films about "their lives" for a living! I have hard drives full of photos and videos, that I never actually look at. But I would like to think that now I know when to put it down and just take in what is going on around me, definitely not sitting at a gig checking through my camera to see if I got "the shot!"

Tomorrow you might forget the exact details, but it doesn't matter!

 YOU WERE THERE, YOU FELT IT, YOU LIVED IT 

and that is what matters.

Please just enjoy your moments, most of the time they only happen once! 

Be present...

A Decade On.....

Why start a blog?? I don't know, today is a pretty important day to me and apart from getting a tattoo this was the only thing last minute I could think of doing. And the fact I faint at the sight of needles probably not my best idea...

Why is today so important? 10 years ago today my life was turned upside down.

This is the only date I ever remember from this time, but I know every single second of what happened that day. It was Friday the 13th 2004, and I was goofy, gangly, normal (well I bet most people actually thought of me as anything but normal -  weirdo) fifteen year old girl at Ripley St Thomas C of E High School; and that day was a normal day, apart from the fact that I had a hospital appointment straight after school. The appointment was for a little egg sized lump I had on my left forearm, as far as I was concerned nothing to worry about.

At 3:05 the school bell rang, we said grace, then made my way to room 12 to meet molly and walk into town. The funniest part of this day happend here. I can't remember who exactly was there apart from Molly and Miss Hanley. " Ha its probably cancer lucie " was the comment made " ha yeh good luck getting a scan on Friday the 13th " to which Miss Hanley told us not to joke about things that serious.

How ironic!!

Half an hour later I was lying on a hard bed in  a dark room, with my mum and a Dr, sat beside me scanning my arm. I remember I wasn't looking at the screen, I was watching my mums face, thats the first time I knew I had cancer. I don't know why I just remember thinking "yeah this is serious and I know its cancer".  At this point I didn't even know you could get cancer in your arm let alone at my age, but I just knew I had.

We left the hospital with the promise we would get the results in 7-10 days. On the drive home mums phone rang, it was the GP, we needed to go down to the surgery immediately.

To be honest all the rest is pretty boring, a lot of talking, planing and ifs and buts, I just wanted to share those couple of hours, as they changed my life.

So if you know me you know what happen next, but if you've randomly come across my blog then this is for you.

suck in a breath and speak very fast...

- I was diagnosed with a Ewings sarcoma (rare type of bone cancer), I had a year of treatment including Chemotherapy, Radiotherapy and Surgery; where they removed the bone, irradiated it, then put the bone back in and screwed it back together with titanium plates ( I consider David Guetta song personally about myself ). I had to leave school for a year, I lost my hair, I went super skinny then super bloated when they put me on steroids.

... and breath

10 years ago 

( only picture I ever took with no hair )

So why the blog name? Its a bit of an odd, arty farty reason to be honest. Since all of the above, my outlook on life is my most prized philosophy. I've loved every minute of every day. I don't just enjoy the amazing adventures and opportunities I am luckily enough to have had; I call these my HD moments. 

I quite simply love being alive, even the boring grey bits of daily life, I find these the most beautiful moments. My favourite of all food shopping, seriously I live to food shop, especially the baking isle!

Today has been a lot stranger than I thought, a lot of people I know, celebrate every date, "cancerversary" " first chemo date" "end of treatment date" I couldn't tell you any of those dates.

But today I feel free, I can't really explain it. 

Right so thats my first ever blog :) So what to expect from this??? I have no idea, its going to be my thoughts, so that could be anything.  

Now

( oh and btw I am completely dyslexic so I apologise in advanced for this post and future ones )